The 7 Principles to Avoid Self-Denial

Denial

 D.E.N.I.A.L  -  Don't Even kNow I Am Lying

Whan a person repeatedly commits sin against God, the cognitive dissidence it created in their mind and heart forces them to resolve it by denying reality.  I have, in the past spoke with a person I care about deeply who has left his spouse after repeatedly committing adulty and is trying to survive financially and emotionally.  The pain this person (I will not tell you if it a woman or a man, nor how long ago) has endured so far is self-inflicted.  Yet the justification for the decisions are incredible.

It is not the first person I have talked with who has done similar things.  When a person is in pain or dealing with the challenges of life and relationships, especially where intimacy is involved, they will lie, cheat, and steal to get what they THINK they want.  Often, when sex is involved, the feelings of intimacy deceptively run so strong and so deep that the self-deception is impossible for them to see.

The principles in the Bible are clear.  The prophet has said it plainly - "God hates divorce" and Jesus also stated the point without ambiguity quoting Genesis and saying, "A man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife and the two shall become one flesh" and he said, "whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.”  And again, the Bible states in the inspired writings of Paul, "husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church...."  Elsewhere it says, "The marriage bed should be kept pure." You can look these up in your own Bible or just search online - these are easy enough to fine.  

The principles are clear - a man who claims to follow God must learn to love his wife, no matter what.  Unless the wife is attempting to kill you, a man must learn to love her.  There are similar principles regarding a wife loving and staying faithful to her husband.  It is not easy - it is hard work and because all of us have a fallen, sinful nature, then unless you intentionally work on staying married, most people will drift apart and then end up hurting each other deeply and then getting a divorce. 

Although I'm focusing on marriage (because the person I'm thinking about is dealing with a failed marriage), the denial principle is true anytime people embrace some kind of sinful, ungodly practice.  It could be drinking, drugs, money, power, or fun - but usually, sex and relationships are involved.  The passions and desires take over, and we embrace something that makes us feel good (or that we think will make us feel good or make us happy) and we look for ways to justify it.  Anything we want as human being can easily take control and we will justify it and not know we are lying to ourselves.  

What is amazing today is how society will support our justification, especially when it

aligns with the fun and feelings that others also happily embrace. 

The part of this that I really don't like is how easily I myself can fall into the denial principle.  As Woody Allen put it, "the heart wants what the heart wants."  Logic and self-control go out the window and we look for ways to justify what we actually want.  It's amazing just how consistent this principle is. 

What, then are the 7 Principles to deal with this problem?

1.  Accept that You are Vulnerable

Accept that you can easily be led down the primrose path of being self-deceived.  No one is immune.  If you are human, you can experience a series of events over time that will cause to unconsciously start to deceive yourself.  Anyone deprived of food and sleep - unless they are really, really disciplined - can fall into being self-deceived to do something you currently think is unthinkable. It could be a little lie or a major crime or anyting in between - we can all fall.  If you accept that you can fall into some unthinkable behavior, then you are more likely to protect yourself and guard yourself so that you do not. 

2.  Surround Yourself with Like Minded People

For Christians, this should be the church, but you have to go all-in and build the friendships and relationships with people who are like-minded.  That is, if you don't want to fall into becoming an alcoholic or illegal drug user, then associate with people who also think it's really bad to be an alcoholic or an illegal drug user.  this doesn't have to be some arrogant, self-righteous effort.  do this, indirectly, keeping the intentional effort to yourself.  Don't boast about it, just do it. Over time, your closest friendships might change, but this priactice will definitely help you avoid falling into some behavior that you will regret or would really hurt you in the end.  

3.  Have Accountability in Friendships

Related to #2, you need one or two really good friends who share your values - i.e., are like minded but will actually confront you if you start to slip.  You see, we naturally get defensive, so it needs to be intentional, and you need to overtly give permission for this friend or these friends to tell you all about yourself.  Do this on purpose, not indirectly like #2 but directly and overtly with the person.  Have a conversation with them about what you need with regard to staying on the straight and narrow that you want to say on.

4.  Work on your Skills

If you never want to fall asleep driving, become a better driver and don't drive when tired.  If you want to not cheat on your spouse, then work on your marriage and learn how to be a better spouse.  If you want to not lie to yourself about why you got fired, then work on the skills be a great employee - both the technical skills required to do the job, and the soft, people/relational skills required to deal with the ups and downs of a job.  When you develop yourself, you become stronger so that when the temptation to lie, cheat, or steal shows up, you will not as easily give into the pressure.

5.  Take care of yourself physically

Eat right, stay fit, and get enough sleep.  We often give into the pressure of compromise that leads down the slippery slope of falling into some behavior we don't want when we are hungry, tired, or sickly.  Of course, you may have a chronic condition that you may have to manage your entire life.  If so, then manage it - do what you need to do to stay healthy.  Temptation is much easier to resist when we are physically strong. 

6. Develop Your overall Psychological Skills

 Similar to #5, you should also take care of yourself mentally.  That is, constantly grow and develop your psychological strength so that you are a mentally strong person.  Do this by reading good books on self-development.  Learn to deal with difficulties.  Develop your leadership skills.  Learn to care for other people.  From a Christian perspective, always read books and watch videos on how to become more like Jesus - to love others and to appropriately sacrifice for others.  Self-development helps you deal with the inevitable ups and downs of life.  Accidents happen, people die, companies go out of business, natural disasters occur.  If you grow in your ability to manage such things, you will be less likely to fall into some unwanted behavior due to the pressures of life. 

7.  Anchor on eternal principles of truth

This last one is both spiritual but also grounded in reality.  Appropriate love is right, inappropriate hatred is wrong.  Giving is right, stealing is wrong.  Telling the truth is right, lying is wrong.  loving your spouse is right, fighting all the time and eventually and getting a divorce is wrong.  Accepting yourself as you are physically is good and right, but hating your physical self is not good.  Healthy biological functions are right, denying such functions is not healthy - ask any doctor!  There are several values and issues of character that are, on a spiritual level, as true and as real as physical facts are.  Just like 2 + 2 = 4, it is a law that you reap what you sow.  It is a law that you love and respect your parents.  It is a law - an absolute principle of truth that you should appropriately submit to authority.  I have used the word appropriately several times and I don't have time to define what that looks like in the various points listed above.  Just know that there are universal absolutes with regard to values and morals.  As a Christian, these can be derived from principles in the New Testament. 

So, if you practice these 7 principles, you are less likely to end up in jail or dead or divorced or broke or homeless.  You will not fall into some undesirable behavior where in the end, it ends in pain for you, your family, or for society.  

Let me know what you think!  I look forward to feedback!